Major Depressive Disorder

Trigger warning: This post contains references to suicidal thoughts and ideations

I wake up at 5:55 AM, which is almost 2 hours earlier than I intended to wake up. Hoping today will be different, I do a self check-in. Nope. It’s going to be a grey day today. I come to the living room and scroll mindlessly through social media on my phone until I am able to move about the house without waking someone up. I take my medications and hope for the best. 

I attempt to work, but trying to steer my mind towards work is harder than attempting to drive a stick shift truck through fog as thick as peanut butter. A task that would take someone about 5-10 minutes takes me about 20-30 just to push through the sheer exhaustion and mental fatigue. 

I lay in the bathtub when I’m finished and cry for 20 minutes straight, which is less than the thirty minutes I cried the day before. Forcing smiles and excitement has become the norm with both my family and people in public. 

Who actually has time for small talk in Walmart to hear that I have struggled to find the will to live the last several months? 

Throughout the day, I fluctuate between feeling absolutely empty and numb to feeling devastated that I’m still alive- if I can even call it that. By the time night rolls around again, I lay in bed next to my husband and daughter, hoping that tomorrow will be better. Hoping that maybe this darn prescription will finally work optimally. That maybe, just maybe, I will feel human again, a feeling which I can barely remember. 

This is a day in the life of Major Depressive Disorder.

What is Major Depressive Disorder?

Major Depressive Disorder is classified as a mental health disorder. It is considered a psychiatric disability under the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act), and is the leading cause of disability for people between the ages of 15 and 44 according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. Having a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder, however, does not have to be a death sentence. If you are currently experiencing depression, I hope that you will find some solace in the process towards getting better with these tips and tricks. 

Coping with Major Depressive Disorder

1. Have a proper medical examination by your primary care physician– This should be one of the first things you do if you’re able. While Major Depressive Disorder is a diagnosable illness, “depression” is a symptom of what could be one of several disorders, some with physical causes other than the brain. 

For example, hypothyroidism is a disorder where your thyroid does not make enough thyroid hormones, which can lead to symptoms of depression. The treatment for this disorder is a type of thyroid replacement hormone, which would treat the depression whereas antidepressants would not. 

There are also several sub-types of Major Depressive Disorder (with melancholic features, with psychotic features, Seasonal Affective Disorder, etc.) that are more responsive to certain types of medications and treatments over others (SSRI’s, SNRI’s, MAIOs, tricyclic drugs, etc.), so it’s very important to document your symptoms and discuss them with your doctor. 

2. Be patient and give yourself grace– This most recent lapse for me was the longest and the worst that I’ve had to date. I felt like a failure for not being capable of holding down a job (as a mental health therapist, of all things), and at the same time, I didn’t much care if I had gotten fired. Because frankly, I didn’t care whether I lived or died. 

Thankfully, I have been able to slowly make my way back into the workplace, but it’s still a struggle most days. If you’re also struggling with this, just remember that it takes medications sometimes 4-6 weeks to see any benefits. And some people have what is called “refractory depression” or “treatment resistant depression”. As many as ⅔ of people aren’t helped by the first antidepressant they try. Healing isn’t a sprint when it comes to mental health. It’s a cross country race of endurance. 

3. Set one goal per day- Sometimes for myself, that goal was to merely exist. Because that’s all that I could do. And you know what? I succeeded those days, because I’m still here. Some days, my goal had to do with self-care, such as washing my hair (a lofty goal at around 12 inches long) or bathing. You might find this coping strategy helpful.

4. Surround yourself with support- In order to heal, you need to surround yourself with people who are empathetic (i.e. watch Brene Brown’s video about Empathy on Youtube) and want to let you heal in your own time. People who won’t rush you or expect too much of you. Who won’t throw your illness back at you as if you chose to have it. 

If people with diabetes and cancer didn’t choose their illness, neither did you. If you don’t feel like you have those people in your life, try to find an online support group or find a depression sub-Reddit to follow. There’s a pretty great Facebook group called Brains and Spoons full of supportive people who also struggle with mental and physical illness. 

5. I highly recommend seeing a therapist in your area. If needed, look for one who accepts your insurance, or offers pro-bono therapy or therapy on a sliding-fee scale. If there aren’t any close, telehealth is the new frontier. Talkspace, Betterhelp, and others are platforms that allow you to speak with a therapist for a per month fee. If you’re seeing a therapist in person, see if they have a psychiatrist on staff that can work with your medications, since therapists cannot prescribe medications. If your therapy office offers it, I highly recommend getting a Genesight test. Genesight takes a swab of your saliva and sends it to a lab where they determine how your body metabolizes different classes of psychotropic drugs. 

If you are personally experiencing any depressive disorder, I am so very sorry, friend. It is definitely not a journey that I would wish upon anyone. However, I hope from this post you gleaned something that can be helpful to you in this journey to healing. 

For more mental health support, please join our Brains and Spoons Facebook group.

If you are experiencing a depression episode currently and are having thoughts of suicide, please contact the Depression Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.